Letter to an expecting mom…

So, I recently wrote this letter to a dear, very-pregnant, friend who bravely admitted her anxieties about becoming a mom, and a very passionate and lengthy response just gushed out of me. Although this may be due to who I select as friends, nearly all of my mom-friends would probably say that becoming a mom is the most intense and significant experience in their lives. I am including a slightly-doctored version of the letter here, which may or may not resonate with fellow moms (and dads) out there…

I have been thinking about you ALL DAY and frustrated about not being able to email you. I've been bullet pointing so many things, mentally composing drafts of responses to you in my head, only to (in my head) crumpling up and tossing them in the wastebasket and starting over. So much to say it's hard to know where to begin but here goes...(By the way, part of the reality with being a new mom is not being able to get time to get to the computer... how hard is that, to get to the computer, to write a little email? Sometimes, REALLY HARD... why I can't endorse a hand-held device (i.e. ONE hand) enough, for doing EVERYTHING... from ordering on Amazon, to surfing the net, to using GPS, to reading -yes, reading novels, to making reservations, to Facebook, to pictures, to baby apps, to music, to everything... an iPad, while lovely, actually sometimes seems TOO BIG). Okay, I digress, but channeling new mommy (plus Steve Job's recent passing) made me type that.

So, the last thing I would ever do, particularly because you are embarking (are already in) the land of everyone telling you what to do, what to buy, and worse, how to think and feel, is respond by saying something along the lines of "it'll all work itself out" or “you’re worrying too much." How dismissive! If any well-meaning person said that to you, I apologize, and they probably meant it in a good way or from a good place, but I really flinched, on more than a few occasions, from people telling me (after I spilled some of my mommy guts) about being "too hard on myself." What I mean here can’t even completely be verbalized, but what I want to say is everything you are feeling, I would venture, transcends "mommy anxiety." It is, in essence, you becoming a Mommy. Put another way, you are voicing a process that I would argue that everyone goes through, in their own way, and I think you are ahead of the game for your ability to recognize your feelings and communicate about them.

So much of what I'm recalling bridges the last-trimester to newborn time for us, and of course that is just the biggest divide ever, but I think the post-partum reflections are relevant now, too! Your little one is already very much here and real and your little one already, just a bit more “integrated" now.

I know and recall being nervous and scared about giving birth (who isn't??), but I took some solace in the fact that(a) everyone has a mommy, so (b) a whole lotta women did it too. It’s not about performing; you don't have to look pretty or be graceful or smart OR BE BRAVE about it. No one gets a grade. There are many ways to give birth, and the way that you do will almost completely be out of your control. The things you can control, you've done already (i.e. get prenatal care, be healthy in pregnancy, torture yourself with videos and books and conversations like these). When your baby comes into this world will largely be up to him.

On epidurals: if you are vacillating, then that is fine; it is your decision. But if you need anyone to give you "permission" or "endorsement," here it is...they may not always work 100%, but even a not-perfect epidural probably kicks the shit out of a "natural" birth. And there are incredible success stories (like mine); I had no pain post epidural until after Grace was born. I napped; it was fine. I was very very lucky, and I can say that, because I felt Pitocin-induced contractions for almost 3 hours before I got it. Survivable experience, no lasting trauma, but OMG that epidural was the best medicine I've ever gotten. If given the option, I would always get one.

Other pains? Yes, inevitable, but nothing that isn't temporary or that isn’t usually able to be alleviated, often pretty quickly. Lady-part pain? Yes. Nipple pain? Yes. Don't deviate from ibuprofen or Tylenol or both during that post-birth period (i.e take on a schedule, before you feel pain), and I found the nipple gel pads in the fridge to be amazing (put on in between nursing). Eat a lot of ice cream (if you aren't already). No joke, it helps. The hospital might give you these ice-pads; I loved them and highly recommend, along with dermaplast (numbing spray for downstairs). Not too much on your feet for weeks after; after too much standing time, I had to sit(literally, my pelvic bones hurt), but ALL THAT GOES AWAY. I promise. I also sat on Grace's boppy for a few weeks after (think: donut).Everyone says how important to sleep is, and they're right, and when they say "sleep when the baby sleeps" I always got annoyed because I’m a shitty sleeper, but they're right. If you can, do. I at least reclined.

Parenting... holy diapers what a big topic. I'll let you know what the answer is as soon as I figure it out. Only that I can say is you GOT IT IN THE BAG. For every 1 moment that you feel nervous or anxious or can’t figure out what to do, there will be 10 (or more like a 100)when you do figure it out and you do have a discovery (the three of you together) and you just nail it. You guys will have some moments where you are both tired and confused, or disagree about how to do something, but ultimately (and most of the time you will be conscious of this) you will becoming the absolute best versions of the team that you decided to form. This is the biggest adventure you could ever possibly go on, and you're doing it together! Ah I remember a time when I worried (hello hormones but it was also a real phase to be going through) that it took some time for Mike to be as "in love" with Gracie as I was (i.e. he loved her, but the cast-iron hold she had over his essence lagged a little in its formation than it did on mine). Now I joke (and have for at least 6 months) that Gracie has not one but two mommies. He cries like a little girl (sorry Mike, but it’s true) over her, because he is so deeply in love with her, and our parenting is thus 100% 50/50. Your partner will be the same way. Yes, you may have to shoulder more in the beginning if nursing, but then he can do more of all the other stuff (i.e. all when not at work) diapers, cooking, cleaning (but don't worry so much about cleaning and take it easy on cooking).

Talk ahead of time about... whatever you want to and whenever you want to! The most important part is being able to talk to each other; none of it is binding! It's that old head-fake (it's not the what you talk about or the what you agree upon; you're just practicing for after baby is here)! I recommend against making too many promises or declarations (like "We 100% won't... (fill in the blank: use a pacifier, let the baby sleep with us, give my kid candy, use disposable diapers, WHATEVER). It's all practice for making decisions for after he is here.

I wish the last trimester was a time where you really could relax, but how can you when you can (probably, at least this was me) barely breathe (or at least have to choose between breathing and eating), getup 6 times a night to pee, have heartburn, and have all this external pressure??

Things that helped the most:
1. having a few good fellow-mom confidantes that I could run everything by (just to make sure I wasn't crazy) and that would listen to me talk incessantly about my questions about whatever that week’s challenges were (nursing schedules, sleep schedules, food adventures, all of it). Do you have a tribe yet (or better yet, a few good one-on-ones; sometimes groups can get competitive)? Oh I hope, almost more than anything, that you have at least one mom-friend that you can say anything to. I am also here, too!!!

2. There are few good reads, and yes, there are many useful parenting manuals (I felt like we had to start somewhere, right? You don't just inherently know how to bake a soufflé, nor do you inherently know whatto do with a baby). I liked Baby Whisperer (Eat, Activity, Sleep,REPEAT) and Baby 411, but I still found myself googling my specific problem on that specific day at all hours of the night ALL THE TIME. Still do. What stayed with me even more was Rachel Cusk's A Life’s Work (read after, not now) and I loved this TED lecture:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html

But don't read ahead; just focus on what your currently dealing with. Any more is overwhelming. I'm the world's dumbest person about potty-training because I am literally not ready to even begin conceiving of it, let alone read about it.

3. HELP, HELP, and MORE HELP. Never turn down any that is offered, at least in the first 6 months, whether it's a fellow mom-friend who offers to watch the baby for 3 hours while you sleep (or Facebook) or whatever, or casseroles, or whatever. Yes, those were imperative statements; wanted this email to not be preachy, but sorry, I guess I can’t help myself either!

4. A little beer and a little wine never hurt a nursing baby. Personal decision, up to you, but mama needs to unwind and stress is definitely way worse.

What else? Oh! That's right; it all frigging changes so fast that whatever challenge presents itself now will be replaced by another challenge in a month that makes the first challenge look easy...having said that, I think the first 6 months is hardest only because new mommies are by definition, new. So after a while you get used to the roller coaster, or marathon, and you just start enjoying both the up and down hills.... but, What the hell do I know? I'm just an anxious mommy, too! So please TELL ME when you figure it all out!

So much love,
Erin