I find that I seem to get comfortable with them, so comfortable indeed, that I only seem to know them for who they are today. When I get startled, however, is when I look back in time, at photos and especially at videos, about the creatures they once were.
Even six months prior; I think wow, that was you!! And you’ve grown, and I haven’t even realized it! Of course I have, on the more cognitive level, but viscerally I feel like my children are somehow going to be who they are, in this moment, eternally.
This is actually a comfort to me, I think, through the throes of parenting, for many reasons, which is that we can hang on to the present versions of ourselves and of our children, but we reflecting upon our pasts often can teach us new things about ourselves. Parenting is only one of many transient things in life; indeed all things in life are transient. Our children grow, and they become more and more independent, until one day they go and live on their own. That is both wonderful and heart-breaking. The other side of this, though, is that we are also going through our own phases. I once did many, many things that I no longer do simply because as a parent there is no longer time, money, energy, and sometimes (but not often) interest, but many of these activities once formed part of my identity and helped me live as freely as possible. I am talking about many activities, including but not limited to adventure sports, regular writing, going out to hip and trendy bars, traveling, crafting, all sorts of things.
OK once in a while (like once a year) I might board a kayak or go for a bike ride, I’m writing a blog post now of course, I go out with my husband maybe once a month and girlfriends at about the same interval, we travel to visit family with our kids, and I will about once a month touch some knitting (never complete anything anymore), but not with the same kind of commitment or reckless abandon of all other duties to pursue said hobby. This adventuresome spirit is something I hope to impart on my own children, but I’m still navigating the early years of parenting and still figuring out how to work a full time job, breastfeed a baby, cook, clean, grocery shop and manage our lives, all with a fully committed co-parent. Whatever “free time” I find myself in I usually want to spend reading a novel or binge-watching one of the many awesome shows out there now.
So, all this is to say, however, that as much as I sometimes mourn for the past of children’s lives, and certainly my own, to have had these experiences, even if I can’t always replicate them now, gives me a feeling of wistful warmth that is almost as good as the feeling of excited anticipation of awaiting something fun (like a day spent hiking or a spa trip or a date night). People often talk about living in the present. What a wonderful objective, and one that I also strive for, especially when confronted by a present worth remembering. But in the off moments, the ones that I spend alone or waiting it out, oh how I relish memories of my babies, or of a younger me doing things that I thought were cool at the time but even cooler now in retrospect. In the off moments, I sometime like to imagine what it will be like to revisit these adventures again, this time with a deeper hunger and ability to savor the privilege and honor the sacrifice it took to make those moments happen.
It all matters - the present, the memories, and the dreams of what’s to come. And it doesn't take terabytes, just a few simple snapshots, to catapult you back.
